Sunday, May 5, 2013

My Dental Fling

What are the chances of an unidentified particle using your dental floss as a slingshot, and hurling itself straight into your eye?

Pretty decent, I guess.

I would love to know the speed of said particle, because it got in there, somewhere, and wouldn't come out. I figured sleeping would take care of it, but I woke up this morning with one RED eye, crying without the endorsement of any particular emotion. The eye was painful, and judging from the amount of disgusting goop, had been trying all night to eject the foreign object.

Last time I visited the neuro-opthamologist he told me I had fantastic vision, but my eyes were dry. I told him I believed him, but didn't know what dry eyes felt like, and therefore resigned to accept his "diploma on the wall as proof" that my eyes were dry. He gave me some gel type drops.

I have never put ANYTHING in my eye, (except that one time I flailed around with a Q-tip and it got stuck between my eyeball and my eye socket....) so my aim needs work. After hydrating my CHEEK and my eye brow for a while, I gave the bottle a good squeeze and dumped a waterfall into my eye. Then I waited. I was having terrible anxiety that maybe because of my modified immune system this THING would turn into some giant ocular infection that would eat me up from the inside and kill me. So I repeated the waterfall procedure after 15 minutes in hopes of just drowning my problem.

Eventually, thankfully in time for my performance this morning, whatever the thing was wasn't there anymore. I tried to imagine what it could have been. A piece of gluten-free cracker? A grain of salt?

Pictured: "The Assailant and the Savior"

The world will never know...

Floss carefully, my dentally hygienic friends.

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